Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
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Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
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Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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