Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
now i know why i became what i already was.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just gift wrapped bread.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
