Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
