he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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