she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
zippers are such a cool invention
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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