Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
