Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
