my room smells like sperm. sweet.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
then he tried to convert me to islam
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
