There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
