First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
