I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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