Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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