My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
