i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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