White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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