My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
