Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
