How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
