she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
