Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
