I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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