so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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