I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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