dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
why do cheetos always look like penises
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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