I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
