i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
