I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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