I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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