Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
