And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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