I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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