Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
