I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
