I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
