Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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