Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
