My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just gift wrapped bread.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
