I am midnight drunk by noon
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
