dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
