I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
