I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
