when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
