oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
