As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
