So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
