He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I did not marry a roomba.
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