Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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