1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
