she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
