I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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