3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
His hands were made for my vagina.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
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