She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
