i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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