Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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