let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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