I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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