I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
