As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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