Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
